Torn from actual, possible headlines at a supermarket near you!

"Howling Beast Terrorizes Ohio Town- Scientists Mystified!"
Tuxedos top Cleveland.  Fans threaten hunger strike.

"Einstein's Brain Alive And Well At MIT!!"
...and it talks to Bill Belichick weekly!  Pats win.

"Homeless Ghosts Settle In Baton Rouge"
Saints win.  Sad.  So Sad.

"Archeologists Prove:  Atlanta was the Ancient Capital of Atlantis!"
Falcons over Fins.  And Manhattan is in Kansas.

"Experts Announce Typo; 616 Is The Real Number Of The Beast!"
Detroit finally beats Purple at home.  Hey, that's an area code in MI!

"New Jersey Devil Impersonates Donald Trump."
Chargers win.  No one cares.

"Texas Cheerleader Can't Stop Dancing!"
Jags over Houston.  Maybe this will help her...

"Top Model Eats Nothing But Chocolate!"
Bengals win.  Which makes just as much sense.

"Aliens Sue Elvis In Court!!"
Panthers beat Bucs.  They _pass_, too...

"Satanic Interior Designer Wants Your Soul!"
Raiduhs.  Silver and Black, baby.

"Volcanic Magma To Bury Seattle!"
Seahawks still win.  Hey, the _game_ is in Arizona...

"Drunk Giant Cuts Cheese, Flattens Town!"
9ers lose.  They stink!

"World's Oldest Man Eats Nothing But Cheese!"
Packers lose.  He still can't run the offense by himself.

"Top Psychics agree:  Cheesesteaks not be replaced by Cheeze Whiz!."
Washington wins.

"Drug Testing A Sham!"
Any others, flip a coin and take the home team.  Oh, wait, that headline 
is from the New York Times...