For tonight's game, I predict the Pats start with a loss to the Steelers.

So, after starting by imagining competence from the Steelers (hey, they lost by 7, and they left at least 10 points on the field in the opening half), I figure I know what kind of season I'm going to have... but in for a penny, in for a pounding.

Good News for the 'skins: QB Cousins is really good at play action passes. Good News for the Fins: their D-line should eat the Washington O-line for breakfast, play-action or not. I have to go with the Fins wins on the road.

Good News for the Colts: Tyrod Taylor hasn't started a game since Virginny Tech in 2011. Good News for the Bills: the Colts O-line is sub-par, which makes for a loooonng day for Andrew Luck. Indy has lost 4 straight on-the-road season-openers, and this year will make it 5 in a row. Bills win at home.

Good News for the Browns: this will probably be a very, very low-scoring game, so victory will be within easy reach. Good News for the Jets: the Browns have lost their last 10 (yes, TEN) season openers, and the Jets have won their last 4. I can see this going either way, but I'll stick with tradition: Jets win at home.

Good News for the Chefs: the KC defense is better than last year. Good News for the Texans: its really tough to beat a phenomenal D with a QB who can't throw deep. Texans win at home.

Good News for the Jagulars: they are facing Cam Newton. I know, I know, Cam can not only run, he can make any throw, and he can make brilliant completions that few other QBs would even attempt. But... if you watch the film you'll see that he misses open receivers. Or misunderstands the kind of throw that's needed. Or he'll be late on a throw. Or he'll just be painfully inaccurate. But Cam's highlight reel is awesome! If Blake Bortles has improved much on his rookie season, he is probably the better QB in this game. Good News for the Pantlers: defense doesn't just win championships. Cam Newton is going to look like the better QB in this game, because Carolina's D is going to make Bortles look bad. We know the truth. Carolina wins on the road.

Good News for the Rams: with Kam Chancellor awol, you might have the better D in this game. Good News for the Shehawks: this year, you are ready for the trickery the Rams routinely deploy. You aren't going to give up another 90-yard TD return because they fake a punt run-back to distract your coverage team from the real run-back. You aren't going to lose the game because the Rams' punter throws an uncontested pass completion for a first down on 4th-and-3. Not this time. Nope. This time you will lose because the Seahawks start slow (4-4 in 2012, 3-3 in 2014) and because a struggling O-line isn't even a speed-bump in the face of the Rams defensive front. Rams win.

Good News for da Bears: you won't be losing 42-donut to your nearest divisional rival - at halftime even - this year! Good News for the Packers: you aren't going to start 1-2 again! You may lose to the dreaded Shehawks in week 2, but you can totally win against da Bears and the Chefs in weeks 1 and 3. Packers win. Bonus Bad News for Bears: Jay Cutler is still your QB, and Packers fans still have signs saying he's their 12th man.

Good News for the Lions: TE Antonio Gates will not play, but WR Calvin Johnson will. Good News for the are-we-moving-to-LA Chargers: Matthew Stafford is an amazing QB. Even though Stafford has NEVER thrown for fewer than 4250 yards in the last 4 seasons, and has thrown 112 TDs in that time, in his career he is still 0-18 against teams with a winning record on the road, and in 2014 (when the Lions modified the offensive to reduce Stafford's tendency to throw picks) he had a total QBR of 51.3 (27th in the NFL) when facing 4 pass rushers. Think about that. That was when they were trying to help him make good decisions, and this year they've decided to let him open it up more. Sure, the Lions will move the ball, Calvin Johnson and maybe a couple other Lions will score, but the Chargers will win. [And if I'm wrong and they don't, then the Chargers won't have a winning record and Stafford's 0-18 streak will remain intact.]

Good News for the Aints: you are going to win your division this year, and might even have a winning record! Good News for the Cardinals: the Aints D is missing Jairus Byrd and CB Keenan Lewis. Cards win at home.

Good News for the Ravens: your seasoned-and-solid QB is almost a decade younger than the opponent's QB, so you can look forward to playoff wins for years to come. Good News for the Broncos: while Peyton Manning might get too dinged up to do well in December or January, since 2009 his passer rating on opening day is 119.7, and if you combine that with a tough defense at home in Denver, it translates into another opening day victory. Broncos win.

Good News for the Raiduhs: history is on your side; the Bungles have never won in Oakland (though they did beat you in la la land). Good News for the Bungles: Andy Dalton is great at winning in meaningless games, and this one qualifies, history and all. Cincy wins.

Good News for the Bucs: the other team is starting a rookie at QB. Good News for the Tennessee Tuxedos: the other team is starting a rookie at QB. Apart from beginners' luck, though, this game will come down to coaching, and even after his 2-14 record last year, Lovie Smith still has a winning record as a pro head coach. For that reason, I'm picking Tampa to win.

Good News for the NYGiants: this year you don't have to stop DeMarco Murray. Good News for Dallas: the G-men are missing too many defensive standouts to seriously compete this week. Dallas takes the win at home.

Good News for the Falcons: your opponent is overconfident and arrogant. Good News for the Iggles: your starting QB is healthy. Matt Ryan will end the game with better stats than Sam Bradford, but the Iggles running game will be the difference. Eagles win.

Good News for the 9ers: when the Vegas line came out a few months ago, you were favored to win by more than a field goal. Plus the Vikings haven't won a prime time game on grass since 2013. Good News for the Vikings: you are currently favored to win by almost a field goal. The reality, however, is that the usually-sure-footed Blair Walsh has been as reliable as a coin toss this preseason, and with the added pressure of a regular-season game... 9ers win. Think how different the Thursday season opener would have been if the Steelers' kicker made his first two tries, and all Pittsburgh needed to do to win was kick another at the end of regulation. The Vikes lose by a missed field-goal or two.